Sunday, June 24, 2007

Good and Tough

Life is both good and tough. I think the hardest thing to figure out is what you really want and what *really* makes you happy.

Recently I have been feeling like I am missing a part of me - like I lost some part of me when I became Audrey's mom. I love being her mom, but I also love being me. I know the two aren't so separate but sometimes I feel like I am only her mom and not me - especially as a SAHM. I feel like this isn't quite coming out exactly how I am feeling it, but I am still going to try to express it - though perhaps rather ineloquently.

I have tried to jump into projects and things that interest me and I have really enjoyed them. Even so, I wonder if I wouldn't be happier working outside the home. I have talked to a couple of good friends who have pointed out how difficult it is for parents who are both working full-time. I agree and I think part-time would be ideal. That would give me something that is just mine and still lots of mommy time.

But then the idea of missing Audrey's cute giggles all day long, her hugs and kisses and tackles (yes she loves to tackle both me and her daddy) kills me. I love reading with her and running back and forth in the house holding hands and playing with the race cars or cuddling up for a movie. Would I *really* be more satisfied with my life if I am missing those moments - even a couple of days a week. I just don't know.

Not to mention the thought of putting her into a stranger's care is somewhat terrifying. And yet I have many friends (with extremely happy, smart, well-adjusted children) who do that and have great experiences with it. I could see Audrey enjoying playing with other children all day long and doing just great or being overwhelmed and just crying for mommy.

So how do you know what really makes you happy in life? What trade-offs are worth it for you and your family? Everyone just says "follow your heart" - but what if your heart wants to lead you down several paths at the same time?

1 comment:

dancin queen said...

Amber friend! I'm finally joining the blogging world. I got over to yours from Mary's. I miss you! It's been forever. Anyway, I enjoyed your thoughts on motherhood. I agree, by devoting that much of your life to someone else, part of yourself falls along the wayside. I felt like that with marriage for a while in the beginning too--well even now sometimes. I think that's part of the definition of sacrifice. You really are sacrificing a lot of yourself, but what you gain in the process is priceless.

My sister just set up a blog for me that I'm going to try out. It's at isaacsonfamily.blogspot.com

Hugs! wendi