Thursday, January 19, 2006

Missing my mom

My parents divorced when I was six and when I was eight my dad and step-mom took full custody of us three kids. So I have not lived with my mom full-time since then. It used to be a big scene every time I left her, where I would cry as I boarded the plane, etc. When I was twelve, a not-so-sensitive stewardess asked me why I was crying and when I told her she asked, "aren't you a little bit old to be crying over missing your mom?"

I was always a very independent kid and I reckoned she was right. I decided to be "tough." From that point on I never missed my mom, or really anyone else for that matter (just as a matter of principle) - I was being a grown-up.

So imagine my surprise, when the moment my little girl was born, feeling this overwhelming sense of "I miss my mommy." I can't explain it, but there it is. I have never missed my mom so much as I have this past six months. It is completely disarming. I am 29 years old and a mom myself, but I often just feel like I want to run to my own mom and have her hold me and make me something warm and good to eat. I just want to follow her around the house while she does whatever she is doing and have her tell me stories and just chat.

I guess my twelve-year old assumption, that being grown up meant not missing your mom, was completely wrong. Perhaps being "grown-up" means you can acknowledge the loss you feel when the people you love the most are not part of your daily life.

No comments: